katnale
by isabellenoelle
Summary: what if peeta was just a memory... or lost?
1. Chapter 1

Heyy guys! This is my first, so I'm just experimenting a bit, but comment and tell me how I'm doing! (:

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Katniss POV-

"I am Katniss Everdeen. I am 19 years old. I am the mockingjay. I survived. Why did I survive? How did I survive? What exactly is it that I survived from?" I came to slowly, looking up into the kind face of Gale. Two years. It had been two years since the boy sitting before me had simply walked away. Walked away from the district, from the people who cared for him him as best they could, from me. So, like the genius I am, I sat there and simply stared at him, taking in the changes as if drinking in the image of the man I once knew so well like water. His mind was obviously elsewhere, as he sat there, mumbling "I should never have left!" Suddenly, he looked down into my eyes, locking eyes with me.

"Katniss, why didn't you stop me?" he asked in an anguished tone.

Not knowing really how to respond, I just looked up and said simply, " How could I? You hated me. Besides, you had such a brilliant future there! It would have been selfish to say, 'Gale, stay with me!' Besides, I can take care of myself"

Laughing bitterly, Gale muttered, "Not well enough, apparently"

Grinning, I say, "What? Can you speak up? My granny ears don't seem to work anymore" startling a laugh from his throat. Deep like his laugh used to be, but softer, almost hoarse, like he hadn't drunk anything in years.

"Rest, Katniss, girl on fire," he said softly, "there will be plenty of time for us to talk later, after you're healed"

Still grinning like a fool, I scooted over in the... bed? It seemed to be many soft furs arranged into a bowl like shape, the base cradling my body gently. Scooting over on to a soft tiger print, I patted the cheetah print blanket next to me, indicating for Gale to lie down next to me. After only a moment of hesitation, Gale gently lowers himself onto the blanket so as not to touch me. Puzzled, I scoot close to him, snuggling into his familiar body. For an instant, he seems stunned and stays stiff, but after a moment or two, he relaxes and puts his arms around me. And for a moment, as I drift into a peaceful sleep, I believe everything will be okay.


	2. trust with everything I am

Katnale continues!

Katniss POV-

I wake up feeling groggy and disoriented, but warm and cozy enough not to get up. Trying to clear my thoughts, I concentrate on what I was doing last. I can remember the conversation with Gale, and can feel his pressed against me, but I can't remember quite where I am or why I'm enveloped in his arms and various animal furs. Last time I remember, I hadn't talked to him for two years before (I assume it's last night, I can't really judge time well indoors) last night. Where had he come from? Why did he come back? Was something wrong? I just wish I had some answers! I was so deep in thought, I hadn't realized Gale had woken until he asked, "Why the scowl, Katnip?"

Jumping, I looked up. "Well, I was wondering why you came back so suddenly, and I suppose, more importantly, why you left in the first place"

Gale blushed, "Well, Katnip, you were with Peeta, so I just felt... lost. I thought if I could hide from the truth, I could just tell myself it wasn't real, but it never worked. You were... everywhere! My dreams, my thoughts, the tele, on every show!"

Confused, I ask, "So what's different now?" Then all the memories hit me. The "mission" Peeta and Haymitch were going on. Stunned, I simply lie there. I no longer have the energy or will power to face the day. Gale must see this all written upon my face as if it were on the screen of one of the capitol's fancy computers, because he snuggles closer to me and holds me close as I begin to weep for Peeta and Haymitch.

Suddenly, I am disgusted with myself. Lying here with the comfort of Gale wrapped around me when Peeta and Haymitch probably died horrible gruesome deaths. Jumping up, I mumble something about the loo and the lavatory and needing to wash up. Looking back once more at Gale, lying so comfortably there, I feel sick to my stomach and I rush to the lavatory.

Splashing cold water on my face seems to wake me up a bit more; I am a widow. Peeta is gone. What happened? Just months ago, Peeta and I were on our honeymoon, and now he's gone. Slowly, I reach into my pocket. Reaching to find him; or more likely some comfort in his memory, but all I can find is sadness and cold hatred. Hatred in myself for not going with him; hatred in myself for sleeping with Gale; hatred in myself for not being able to do anything but cry. Finding what I want in my pajama pocket, I pull out a small pink pearl. Just looking at it makes me burst into tears again. First my father, then Prim, and now Peeta. Who else am I to lose in this cruel game of life?

After what seems like hours, Gale walks in and sits by me, comforting me in whatever little way he can; soft continuous words of understanding, small pats of the back, and holding on to me while sobs wrack my body. Not even bothering to look up, I mumble, "what will happen now?"

Sighing, as if he had expected this to happen, he said, "well, you DO have your victor's winnings. I suppose you could live on those comfortably for the rest of your life. If that doesn't quite work out; you ARE the mockingjay. I know they're simply BEGGING for you to work with them. And if none of the above appeal to you," he blushes slightly, "you could stay with me." he seems finished, but after a moment or two, he decides to add, "I promise you I'd NEVER hurt you. Do you trust me?"

Inwardly, I sigh. I can't say no to him. He always has been, and still is to this day, too much a part of me for me to not know what he wants and what will happen, but he just seems... different this time. So, softly, I say, "yes. With everything I am."


	3. the boy who understands

Katnale continues!

Getting up from his warm embrace and soft coos of comfort is hard, but possible. Untangling myself from him, I walk over to the shower and turn the water on, reminding him where we are and why I came in here. Blushing furiously, he gets up and offers me one more hug before walking out. Stunned, I just stand there like a moron for a minute before undressing and stepping into the hot water and letting it wash away all the dirt and pain for the moment. Slowly, simply out of habit, I begin scrubbing myself to rid myself of all the grime on my body. When I finish, the water feels so good, I stay in for a minute more before stepping out onto the cold hard tile, bringing back all the pain and welcoming my depressing thoughts.

Slowly and mechanically, I begin dressing myself in some clothes that are neatly stacked up there. Mentally, I make a note to thank Gale for that. When will I be able to stop thanking and owing people? I decide it's what makes me human and move on to trying to brush my hair and put it up in a manageable braid. Putting all my focus into my hair, I try not to think about the fact that soon this small chore will be over and I will be left alone with my thoughts and memories again. If what it takes to keep my mind above the grief and mourning is as many pointless and mind-numbing tasks, I'll gladly do as many as I can get my hands on.

Stepping out of the warm swashing room is like a punch in the stomach; all the thoughts begin flowing freely again, and it's all I can do to make it to the bed before collapsing into a sobbing, shivering mess. Gale must have heard me, because when he walks in, he's carrying a tray full of food and two cups of coffee; black. Just how I like it. It seems I haven't changed much in the past two years, because Gale has all my favourites piled up in heaps on the tray. But what I notice isn't the food; it's the rope. The rope with a few starting knots. The rope reminds me of Finnick and dimply starts me off again. Finnick, who died fighting the capitol. Eaten by vicious mutts. Finnick who helped get me through the loss of district 12, Peeta, and who helped me through everyday life in district 13.

Crying, I curl up in a ball and just wish the world would fade away. After a while, I am disgusted with myself. If it had been me who had died, Peeta would have told people and made sure something REAL was done in my memory; and here I lie just sniveling like a git. Sitting up, I notice Gale curled up next to me, breathing lightly and evenly. Lightly shoving him, I wake him up.

Sitting up, Gale laughs. "how you doing Katnip?"

Shrugging, I decide not to mention the fact I feel like a train hit me and I just want to lie down and let it take over me. "Fine. Gale, I need you to take me hunting."

Obviously stunned, Gale replies cautiously, "Okay. But I want to check your weapons and I don't want you out of my sight for a moment."

It takes a moment for what he's saying to sink in, but eventually it does. Feigning offense, I gasp indignant. "Gale Hawthorne! How DARE you think I'd even ATTEMPT suicide!"

Leaning into me, so he's only inches from my nose, he whispers, "But you HAVE tried before, so not impossible."

Shoving him away, I can't help but giggle; he doesn't even know how he affects me sometimes! He's always been so much like a brother to me; yet, he's been something more too. I wonder if he ever got married, but it seems too... rude to ask, so I don't. But I make a mental note of it.

We both sit there for a minute or two before getting up and getting our hunting clothes on. We haven't changed much, so the clothes still fit nicely, but it all feels weird; an attempt at normalcy. Cleaning off our weapons, we head for the door. Thinking quickly, I grab a couple sandwiches and some pop and stuff it in a bag while heading out the door for our usual hunting grounds. Heading over there; we're as silent as mice, lost in our own thoughts. But when we get there, we seem to come alive again; talking as we set traps and in between shots.

Finally, I get up the nerve and ask, "Gale, did you ever marry?" and instantly I wish the words back.

Looking up and grinning, Gale asks slyly, "Why? Does _someone special_ want to know?"

Blushing furiously, I stammer, "N-n-no! I was just... curious!"

Smirking, Gale shrugs and smiles, "Well, to be honest; I never did marry because every time I see a girl, all I can think is; she's not you"

Gasping, I look at Gale with what is probably the most comically surprised face anyone could possibly display without intending to look retarded. He just looks up at me calmly, and without words, confirms it. Suddenly, a wave of guilt and sadness overcomes me; I chose Peeta because it would save my life, and now that he isn't here to help me; I don't miss him as much as I should. I don't miss waking up next to him, I don't miss seeing him off at the bakery before going hunting, I don't miss shim as much as I should.

And just as suddenly as the feeling came; it disappeared. Looking deep inside myself, all I saw was recognition. I didn't feel guilty, I didn't feel sad, and I didn't feel the loss as keenly as I should have. I made the choice to stay with him because everyone else believed it was right, but all this time; all I had wanted was the boy who knew me the best. The boy who loved my family as his own and who's family already loved me as their own. The boy who understands.


	4. the last gift

Katnale on! Thanks for all the positive feedback guys! (:

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Walking home that evening, I decide to stop by the bakery. For some reason, it just feels right. To honour Peeta's memory by doing what we did; just without him. For what I know will be one of the last times, I walk in and walk to the back room. Glancing around, I see Peeta's left the bakery in it's usual state; looks clean, but ready to mix something up in a heartbeat. Tearing up, I walk over to the office across from the back room and see Peeta in everything lined up on the shelves and desk, as well as in the placement of each individual item. Walking over to the desk, I see a picture of me smiling on our honeymoon; what seems to be so many lives ago. Feeling the weight of losing him, as a friend, a confidant, and a lover, washes over me anew. Gasping, I cling to the desk until I'm sure I've dented it. After I can't take anymore, I slide to the floor in front of the desk. Sitting there, I can't understand any of my feelings, so I just sit there and cry. For the memories, for the friend and lover, for the pain. Finally, I decide I have to get up and keep going, so I stand and instantly feel dizzy. Thinking quickly, I slide into the swiveling chair I insisted Peeta use, and start up the computer. Logging in, I begin to play some basic games; mine sweep, fire boy and water girl, checkers. I even end up playing Peeta's favorite, chess, to keep the pain and memories at bay.

Walking out of the bakery at 3am is a bit strange, but bittersweet. I'll go home to Gale this time, not Peeta. I'll go home to Peeta's memory, but I'll never be able to go home to him ever again. Not really. Looking up, I see the stars shining brightly as if to salute his death. But suddenly, I see a new star. Shining so bright, it's a beautiful orange. Sunset. Instantly, I think; Peeta! Truly, it seems just to me that Peeta, a shining star among men, became a star to lead the way for others. But anger seems to just bubble up inside me; he left me! He chose something over me and died there, leaving me! Knowing it's a ridiculous excuse to blame someone. He felt it was his duty; the right thing to do, and I'll back him up to the very end.

On instinct, I turn towards Haymitch's house. It'll be empty now, since he's gone, but I feel that I owe it to him to say goodbye one last time. It may sound ridiculous, but I had to have some kind of closure. Walking in, it looks much too big and lonely, I almost turn and walk out to get Gale to help me through this, but I can't. I'm too big for this, I need to man up and face the final goodbye by myself. Walking through quickly, I see it's too neat to be Haymitch's doing, but Hayzelle won't have been here for two days. It's a Sunday! So, stepping into the bedroom for a second time that morning, I do a more through search and see Haymitch must have cleaned up before leaving. Getting to the living room, I see three enveloped addressed to me in his neat cursive. Picking them up, I carefully hold them close; trying not to look at them, but already noticing their creamy whit surface is marred by tears. And to me, those are the most beautiful part of it. Walking quickly into the kitchen, I see a sea green glass filled with clear liquid and a note next to it.

The note read,

"Dear Katniss,

If you're reading this, something truly bad must have happened for you to venture into my dwelling. If the mission went astray, I'll assume both agents are dead, so I suppose I must offer you my condolences for Peeta even though I'm dead. He was always so lively; life must be quite the bore without either of us there to nag you. Well, onto more pressing matters. The liquid in this green container is a mixture Peeta and I created. It will knock you out for an hour. During that hour, you will have one last chance to see us both. Don't confuse the hallucination as saying goodbye, because we're just in your head at this point, as we are both most likely dead at this point, but this will be a final closure for you and whatever of us there is left in you. In one of cabinets, you will find a glass jar. It will encase another clear liquid. It is a pain killer, and I will personally recommend it to you before taking the liquid in the glass before you. And sweetheart, just remember; don't die.

-Haymitch"

and underneath it was a little sticky note from Peeta reading,

"Katniss,

If I'm really dead, like Haymitch is assuming, I want you to continue to live. To truly live. I don't want to look down from heaven and see you merely existing. You still have a life to live; someone to live for. I spent the hunger games keeping you alive, now it's your turn. I love you.

Peeta"

and taped to Peeta's note was a pearl. A shimmery and almost iridescent pink and shiny. Perfect. Picking it up, it's as light as a feather and its smooth surface cool as ice, without that painful prickling sensation. Turning it, I see a small mockingbird had been carved into it carefully, glinting in the light. The perfect gift. So, grabbing the glass jar from the cabinet; I down it's contents and the contents of the sea green glass. Looking quickly at the notes and feeling dizzy, I quickly grab them and hold them tightly as I can, while I feel everything slipping away from me. Everything, except the pink pearl. I can still feel it's cool surface tightly clenched in my fist, anchoring me to myself as the world slips away; the last gift.


	5. to dream land and back

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long, I've had work and such, but here's a bit more! Thanks for your patience with me(: Katnale on! (:

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Clutching the pearl for dear life, I seemed to come to in the middle of the lake. I knew it was just a hallucination, but I still began to swim to shore by instinct. Getting near the edge of the water, I walked out sopping wet. My hair was probably a mess, but I didn't care; Peeta and Haymitch were here. Searching the edge of the woods, I saw a small bonfire. Surprised that I had missed it earlier, I walked over and began to warm up by the fire; drying my hair and my clothes. Suddenly, a hand came down over my mouth and another on my shoulder. Fighting the reflex to scream, I chanted the mantra in my head, "it's just Peeta and Haymitch." after a few chants, I was calm enough to turn and look my captor in the eyes.

I looked back into the eyes of the ex-President Snow. He looked no different from life, except maybe a little less... vicious. Like death had taken the edge away from him. Stifling a scream, I jumped up and clenched my fist; holding the pearl close so Snow couldn't steal the last gift from Peeta. Really, the last thing I had to truly remind myself of him. It was a gift from his soul, and I couldn't let Snow steal that from me. I'd rather die fighting this monster in front of me than allow him to take the last of Peeta from me. The boy with the Bread. Looking into my eyes, Snow laughed viciously. Heart sinking, I thought "I was wrong. He's no different." Smirking, he said, "You truly think I'd try to take him from you? You overestimate me. I'm simply the medium for this message"

That didn't make me feel any better. In fact, that made me feel worse. Not relaxing, I look into his eyes and try to determine if he's lying. It seems he isn't, but what do I know? He's taken so much from me, I can't trust him. Or can I? He can't really take anything from me here, it's a hallucination. So, making my choice, I say, "okay. Give me the message." snow takes a deep breath and begins.

"You see, it seems Haymitch and Peeta have been taken captive. It was either them or you, and they both chose to give themselves over. It seems there are some rebels against any form of government and they'd like to break the symbol of peace and the coming of age. They will attempt to break Peeta and Haymitch like I did, and for that I am very sorry. I see now what a worthy adversary you have been and I must applaud you. Your only chance will be to find them before they can be tortured too much, or they will become worthless to you. To us; all of Pananem. I am to give you these instructions; go to your closet. I'm sure you'll be able to find the ring box Peeta gave you your engagement ring in. In it, there will be three sheets of paper, a tracker, and a communications device. I'm not sure what it's called exactly. On one of the papers, there will be a map to the cave where they are being held. The other two, well, I'm not sure what they'll be. Probably the ransom note ahead of time and something sweet from Peeta. Or instructions. I'm not exactly sure. The tracker will track both Peeta and Haymitch. Oh, and you can communicate with them with whatever device they gave you. The last thing is, they request you bring Gale with you."

Saying this seemed to make him relax a little, so instinctively I said numbly, "thank you." and with that, he disappeared like smoke.

Judging time in a hallucination is rather hard, but I guessed about 15 minutes had passed since it had begun, so I decided to test my theory that this was all really a hallucination. Stepping away from the fire, I walked calmly into the lake waters until it was up to my shoulders. Carefully, so not to disturb what wildlife there might be in my little dream, I began to paddle back to the middle of the lake. Stopping only when I got there, I paused to gulp air before going under.

The water was murky, but I could still see pretty well, so I began to swim down. Reaching the bottom, I noticed there plenty of fish, so I sat on the bottom and watched them as they darted around in their little schools. Now, to test my theory, I let all my air out and breathed in. Nothing happened. Gasping, I got up and swam to the surface. Swimming to shore, I realized it was getting late, but when I found Haymitch and Peeta, I'd definitely talk to them about this.

Suddenly, with no warning, I blacked out; indicating my hour was up. Coming to slowly, the first thing I felt was the pearl clutched tightly in my fist and the three envelopes clutched to my chest; the most precious things I had at the moment.


End file.
